Coming Soon: Pee-Wee's Big Laser Show Adventure?

The Laser Show Performs

At the roast for David Ortiz last night (which the puritanical NESN will not air due to "profanities"), Dustin Pedroia revealed that his long-time teammate didn't know his name was Dustin. In fact, he thought it was "Pee-Wee", literally. Of course, the reason Ortiz got the nickname "Papi" was because he called everyone "Papi"—since he couldn't remember anyone's name. The Muddy Chicken's re-telling of the story is priceless—but you'll never see it on NESN. Here's the 'horrific' language that censor-happy NESN is 'protecting' you from:

"The catcher comes up to me and goes, 'Hey what’s up, Dustin?' I go, 'Hey, what’s up man?' David walks over and goes, 'What the f— did he call you?' I go, 'What?' He goes, 'What’d he call you?' I said, 'Dustin.' He goes, 'Why’d he call you that?' I go, 'That’s my f—— name.' He goes, 'Oh is that right?' I go, 'Yeah, bro. I played 1,600 games with you. They’ve actually said it 5,000 f—— times: "Now batting: No. 15 Dustin Pedroia.'' He goes, 'I thought it was Peewee. You thought my parents would name me f—— Peewee?'"